“I can´t forgive”
Having an abusive past myself, topped off by a Dutch soldier who put a gun on my eight-year-old head in 1945, shouting “if you don´t tell where your dad is, I will kill you”. My mother heard my death scream. She raced towards me and pushed him away while shaming him. She really hit home. He walked away with his head bowed in shame, but I was shattered. Father worked with the Germans and got 3 years in jail. My mom 2 years, I went to a children’s home, there was a pedophile…
My life was warped by WWII and the soldier just finished me off. Devine healing had touched some areas in my life. Being a missionary in Thailand I had often to meet people in uniform. I never knew why I was then so nervous.
Then the Lord used in 1972 a book to “pull the curtain”. I still remember saying to the Lord:
Then the Lord used in 1972 a book to “pull the curtain”. I still remember saying to the Lord:
“Lord, your Word tells me to forgive. I decide to do that with my will. I am so angry with that fellow. How could he do that? I can´t forgive from my heart”.The Lord replied: “I know, Téo, you can´t forgive, but I can teach you. Come into the school of forgiving. The lessons might at times a bit too difficult, then you have the permission to leave the class. You can relax outside, on the playgrounds”.
That is what happened. The school lasted 12 years. In 1984 I went to a Communion Service. Once again I thought about this soldier. The thought came to my mind: “He must be 80 now or he is dead”.
Spontaneously the thought came: “I hope I will meet him before the throne of Jesus”. Then the Hallelujah chorus from Handel flooded my soul.
The anger about injustice, abuse, betrayal, can be so intense. God doesn´t mind, He is angry as well (Luke 17:2, Matt.18:10).
This story has helped many abuse survivors to “enter the school of forgiving”.
Now I am 80. I still hope to meet that soldier before the Throne of God. It is about 10 years ago that I started to thank God that He allowed this soldier to hurt me so deeply.
Thus a life ministering to abused people arose.
If he hadn´t done it, I might not have had this type of deep involvement in the lives of hundreds of abuse survivors.
More about my life and ministry in “From Shame to Peace” (Amazon or www.importantia-publishing.nl.
Also available in French: via FERACPA.com,
in German: via Segnendhelfen.at
Also available in French: via FERACPA.com,
in German: via Segnendhelfen.at
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