The Interdenominational Charismatic Missionary conference in 1972 in Bangkok became for me a new starting point for the healing of the traumas of WWII.

When I went through customs as a missionary, I was always nervous and showed that in my body language. Customs officials looked for nervous people, but when they checked me, they couldn´t find anything. Simply to renew my residence permit, standing before a tiny uniformed Thai woman who asked me to give me my papers, put me on edge. I discovered that my body remembered what my mind had forgotten. That Dutch soldier and his uniform had carved invisible scars in my soul, causing these strange fears and nervousness when seeing uniforms. I understood then why I reacted fearfully when we went through Customs.  I realized the damage it had done to my social skills. At the other hand, the story of the bombing in the border town after we left Germany and the awareness of God´s Presence and the sense of calm then, explained to me that God had been there with us as well.

There came also a group of priests and nuns to the Charismatic conference. For one of the missionaries, this was too much. He was once an MK, (a missionary kid). His parents had been missionaries in South America. He stood up at the beginning of the conference and said:

“This is very hard for me to see also RC priests and nuns here. We were chased out of our house by an angry mob of villagers under the leadership of the local priest. We had to run for our lives”.

One priest stood up and said:

“This was a terrible experience for you and your family. I beg you to forgive us. May I wash your feet brother?”

The priest walked towards this troubled brother, embraced him and knelt by his feet. Many of us had tears in their eyes as we witnessed this reconciliation.

We got in touch with several of these priests and nuns who worked rather close to where we lived. We started a joint prayer meeting until sadly the Chairman of our mission put an end to this. It caused too many problems for the local (protestant) believers, he said.

God is gracious. He leads us on. He led me more and more into developing my Helping Through Blessing ministry. HTB is an encouragement-based approach. We try to find out what God has been doing in the life of the counselee and encourage that. They need a special approach because any confrontation gives them special reactions like:

–       It makes them run away,  

–       They disagree then turn away or fight what is said,

–       They simply freeze. 

–       They become very submissive, do what you tell them you expect of them, but can´t or won´t follow up on what they  said they would do. 

–       They have not registered what was said and are too embarrassed  about this to tell you. The result is a polite agreeing, but no action follows.

This brought me to understand a basic rule in interpersonal relationships: 

Confrontation without relation brings separation.

A relationship is needed for healing. This was the background for developing my ´soft style´ approach to HTB, as I worked with traumatized people for more than 40 years. I only discuss that what they want to discuss… 

The body remembers
The body not only remembers the bad stuff that happened. We can also teach it new ways, to create new memories. How can body-tensed abuse survivors come to a more relaxed attitude?

Healing physical reactions
Surrendering in a peaceful way is so pivotal to the development of intimate relationships. As it is normal for Christians to hear the words: surrender to Jesus, but abuse survivors ask themselves: how can I do that.

I needed to talk about the Christian paradox: God is all-powerful yet He often doesn´t use His power to stop an abuser? A survivor often wonders about that as well. They have been forced to do things that they hated. At times their bodies reacted positive and the abuser would say: see, it isn´t that bad… Many have said to me: “my body betrayed me”. I teach them about my understanding of what the Bible says about this.1 

My conclusion is:

“please talk with God about it, He understands your anger towards Him. He won´t kill you because you don´t understand Him and I agree it was bad, it shouldn´t have happened. The Bible says: Be angry but do not sin”. Ask the Lord to come into your anger and purify it from sin, then anger can be changed into a force for positive action.”

I often have helped abuse survivors to come to some understanding and even perhaps some acceptance why He didn´t stop the abusers. Usually, actions like deep breathing, to take a stiff walk or to turn their minds away from the topic by stroking a pet, reading a book helps them to relax more.

Yoga is in Christian circles usually not so well accepted. How does one calm this tense body in a way that is religiously accepted? It is rather normal for Christians when they want to pray, to kneel. It is a sign of surrender to the Lord. Encouraging this helps them to do that, especially as others do that with them. Once they are ready to kneel and they feel safe with their counselor, survivors at times choose to lie down while they would receive a blessing. To lie down as a chosen act for an abuse survivor is understandably quite something. They then can let their bodies do what it wants. That is what I encourage them to do. I observed involuntary little shocks in their body or sometimes a hardly noticeable trembling. Through the books of Peter Levine and Bessel van der Kolk, I learned to explain what happened and why it is a part of the healing process.

Early on in my protestant ministry, I developed an Esther program and an Anti-Shame program, to teach new experiences.

The Esther Program

Especially sexual abuse survivors have problems focusing on their body. It just hurts too much. I am by nature a bit shy to talk about this, but a woman I met inspired my creativity. She had come to me after a seminar where I had mentioned something about sexuality. She said:

“I have several sons my husband has had all the pleasure and I had all the trouble”.

I asked her if she wanted help. After her eager yes, we made an appointment to come with her husband. I still remember her coming into my office, followed by her husband.

I thought: ´Lord that woman is a nobody, she has no radiation of personality´. I was startled as I heard Him say in my mind: ´I am going to make her a princess´. I asked `how Lord´? He showed me several cartoon-like pictures as He said: ´Like queen Esther´. In the talks following, also without her husband present, I shared the Esther-program that had developed in my mind. Queen Esther was taken to be a concubine for the King Ahasveros. She was bathed, perfumed and dressed up for a party. Her willingness to undergo this transformed her and she became the reason that the Jews were not destroyed 2.

I have given this Esther program in more detail elsewhere´.3

The lady told me that she disliked her body. When I asked her how she took a shower she said “very hot and very quick”. She didn´t use perfume and she had no real desire to dress in fancy dresses. Well, the result was that she had to get used to bathing and enjoy it, to use perfume and to save for a fancy dress. This all took time. She could grow towards the last part. The party that she organized took her husband by surprise as she booked a honeymoon hotel (they never had a honeymoon when they married). She called me from the honeymoon hotel and said with a somewhat angry voice

“… we are tumbling in bed, why did this have to wait so long?”

I just chuckled and wished them still a wonderful weekend. She put the horn down laughing. We smiled about it when we met again without her sharing any details and I didn´t ask…

The Anti-Shame Program 

More recently I also developed an Anti-Shame program for use in western countries. In other continents, one has to adjust to local limitations!

Phase 1 starts like the Esther program with showering while listening to worship music or classical music. The thought is that one has to create a positive atmosphere while showering, something that many abuse survivors don´t think of. I tell them to stop showering before they feel becoming uneasy. They usually can´t stand this for longer than 1 to 3 minutes. Gradually they have to learn to enjoy it and widen the time of tolerance. They need ultimately try to stay under the shower for a maximum of 20 minutes, or 5 songs. When they have accomplished this, they need to repeat this once or twice.  After this, they can take shorter showers. Women have a sensitive skin. After showering they should use body lotion and carefully massage their whole skin. This is needed otherwise their skin starts to itch…  This careful attitude to the body is a lesson in itself.

Phase 2 is even harder for many of them. They need to get used to their own body without shame. I suggest that they need to be alone home, undisturbed by telephone or doorbell ringing. They need to put on their bed flannel sheets. (Normal sheets are often felt as too cold). They have to crawl in bed, without clothing. I discovered myself that one feels one´s own skin better when one lies naked in bed. They can lay in 4 different positions: the right side, the left side, on the stomach and on the back. I suggest that they choose a side most comfortable for them. This is usually the side people fall asleep in. They need to listen, or even hum along with the music and laying under a cover and cover for at least 3 minutes. Like in the showering they should avoid forcing themselves longer than that they can enjoy. This needs to be repeated day after day until they can handle 20 minutes. One woman showed me a picture she made of her bedroom, with boards over the door and windows, “to keep her mother out” she said. That is when I heard for the first time that her mother had sexually abused her.

Once they can do this for 20 minutes on one side, they need to go through the other 3 ways. I found myself that it was rather tough to lay naked on my back, with the sheet and cover pulled high up. It was really a situation I had to get used to. When they can do each position for about 20 minutes and repeat that once or twice, they are ready for the 3^rd phase.

Phase 3. They have to be sure that their bedroom is warm and then they have to lay naked, without the top sheet and thank God that they are alive and well. Ultimately, they have to choose to do this for a total of 20 minutes. After repeating this again one or two times, they have accomplished something major!

Phase 4. They have to use a full-length mirror (it can also be done with shorter ones). They need to stand before the mirror and tell themselves what they like about their bodies. They should repeat it perhaps 2 or 3 times.

One woman commented about this: “Téo, it really helped me to think positive about me, but to stand there 20 minutes was a bit long”. I laughed and said that I had forgotten to tell her that this doesn´t have to take 20 minutes.

Phase 5. They are encouraged to buy 2 sets of underwear that is 4 or 5 times as expensive as what they are wearing now. When they dress in such expensive underwear, they feel it, they know ´I am a princess´… It gives them a positive self- awareness.

Some people complain that this seems quite expensive, I always tell them that going to a psychiatrist is usually even more expensive.

1 See Chapter 6 of my book From Shame to Peace.  

2  One can read this story in the Bible book of Esther.

3 From Shame to Peace pg.219-222

“Bless the Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless his holy name”